The case against surprise; 3 ways to co-create instead

Many gifters wants grand, unexpected gestures that sweep their loved one away.

Though thrilling, this type of gift can catch the recipient off guard.

One way to get the aliveness of a surprise with far less risk is to co-create.

Co-creation is making something together. With gifts, co-creation is empowering the recipient to be an active participant, rather than a passive receiver.

Co-creation can be dialed up or down. We consider 3 points along that spectrum.

(1) Empowering your loved one to receive

In the lightest form of co-creation, we start at the moment the gift is received.

For example, imagine we create a heartfelt adventure for your mom on Mother’s Day.

We wouldn’t want to just give this to mom and say “we made this for you; open it!”

That’s putting her in the hot seat, without any preparation.

Rather, we’d want to make sure that mom knows how much time, physical space, and emotional bandwidth to prepare.

For example, if we sent mom the gift in the mail, we could leave a note atop the box:

“This box contains a special gift from a loved one. Open it when you’re home, alone, and feeling grounded. You’ll want about 1 hour. Have a wonderful time!”

Now, mom can choose when, where, and how to open the gift (ex: on a quiet Sunday night, in pajamas, with tea). She enters the experience primed and bought-in.

(2) Empowering your loved one to select

Going a step further on the co-creation spectrum, we can invite the recipient into the gift from its onset.

For example, if you’re unsure what to get, you can ask your loved one for guidance.:

“Hey best friend, I want your engagement gift to be just right. Tell me, is there anything you’re longing for?

Similarly, if you have a few high-level ideas, you can ask them for feedback:

“Grandma, for your birthday, would you rather I cook you a special meal or that we go on adventure around the city?”

Or, if you know exactly what to get, you can ask for help crystallizing the idea:

“Son, I want to get you a new backpack for your hiking trip. Can you help me pick out the color and size?”

If there’s anything you’re not sure about, it’s okay to ask questions.

A perfect gift that’s not a complete surprise almost always trumps a surprise gift that might not land.

(3) Empowering your loved one to give

Going a final step on the co-creation spectrum, we can blur the lines between gifter and recipient.

This is how we create gifts for shared occasions, like anniversaries.

You both share words, details, and memories that get woven into the gift.

Neither of you knows exactly how your contributions will be used. And neither of you knows what your partner is sharing (or even what they’re being asked).

With this approach, you get several advantages over a complete surprise:

  1. They’re bought-in. Your loved one knows there’s a gift coming. In shaping it, they’ve developed ownership and are primed for experiencing the gift.

  2. You both experience anticipation. You both know a gift is coming. And you both await its arrival. Just like counting down the days before a vacation, build-up is part of the joy.

  3. They get to enjoy giving. Giving feels good. Taking risks and creating something at the edge of your abilities is thrilling. Moreover, watching someone be affected by your creation is gratifying. Co-creation allows your loved one to experience these feelings too.

  4. You get to enjoy receiving. Being seen, celebrated, and cared for feels exquisite. By empowering your loved one as a co-creator, you get to receive alongside them. You both surrender to a mutual display of care and vulnerability.

  5. You both still experience surprise. Even though the gift was co-created, it’s full of surprises. You’re surprised by how your contributions are woven in, by what your partner shared, and by how the gift unfolds.

Give it a try

Next time you’re looking for a special gift, think about how you can invite your loved one in as a co-creator:

  • At the least, how might you empower them to receive on their terms?

  • A step further, how might you invite them into the process of picking or creating the gift?

  • Or what if you abandoned the roles of “gifter” and “recipient” and instead chose a mutual embrace of giving and receiving?

Ultimately, a gift needn’t be a complete surprise to be cherished or unexpected.

Co-creation gives the best of both — thrill & wonder, against a backdrop of safety.


Josh Rosenfeld designs custom gifts that take everything you love about someone and turn it into a playable game. Along with his team at Odes Unboxed, he’s helped hundreds of people play, connect, and cry happy tears. When he’s not crafting gifts, Josh is usually writing songs, playing tennis, or geeking out on dark chocolate.

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